I never knew or realized just how deep the grieving process can be. Yes, I have lost so many loved ones and the pain was so horrific. Then, November the 12th of 2014, I lost my Precious "Baby Girl" Renee. My only Daughter and so very young. Only 44yrs old. We will never know the reason. None could be found. She simply went to bed after telling her precious son "Good Night. I Love you". When he awakened by his alarm clock for school, he new something was very wrong. He knew that his Mom was always up way before him. He heard her alarm clock going off as well. It was set for 6am. However, she was always up long before her alarm ever went off. An early person. Her husband was in Texas on a job site and had tried to call her cell phone and never got through. When her precious son got up , he heard her phone ringing and answered it. It was his Dad. He told his Dad that "Mom is still in bed". Not knowing that the Angels had already taken her gently as she slept. His Dad told him to wake her up. He walked into her room and called out to her without a response. He told his Dad, "She isn't waking up". His Dad told him to shake her, and of course it was at that time he realized something was terribly wrong. He did all of the right things. He called 911 immediately and them called me. I will NEVER forget that call. I had to ask him to repeat himself as I did not understand what he had said . He said, "Mimi, hurry up and get here, I think Mom is dead". I could not believe what I was hearing and immediately told him "I am on my way". Before I could make it out the door, her Husband called me and said, Mom, Hurry up and get there and do something. I drove on the wrong side of the road due to traffic and God had to be guiding me. When I arrived, I saw all of the emergency crew there and my thoughts of this just being a fear of her son, became so real. He was asked by the emergency crew, if he wanted them to try. They already knew that she was gone. However, he was on the phone with his Dad who told him to tell them yes. They tried in vain to save her. She had been gone for a while. Death of a Loved one is so hard. But, the death of a child is total devastation. We had spoken 3 times the day before with our last conversation being around 8:45 the night before. She was planning her Thanksgiving plans to have at her home for the first time. Then she spoke to her husband after that. We both ended our conversation's with "I love you". Time seemed to stand still. Family begin to arrive as the shock of all of it took over. I don't remember so many things that transpired. Except being told they would have to do an Autopsy. Something as a Nurse I could not fathom. However, something that had to be done. Again, everything seemed so unreal. Like a horrific nightmare that you just want to wake up from. Her precious son was badgered by the Assistant Coroner. Relentless and Repetitive questions. Yet, such an unprofessional attitude. And a very poor job at collecting important information. The days that followed all seemed frozen in that one moment of me first getting there. I new the people around me, I remember speaking, yet not remembering the true essence of what was being discussed. After 5 days of waiting , the arrangements were made. Services were held. The final good byes said. That was a year ago and I still am unable to move forward. Stuck in this tunnel of grief. And yet, feeling Blessed that she passed in her sleep. She was not brutally murdered, mangled in some horrific auto accident or any of the horrible things I have known to happen to so many friends. One thing that I did not expect was that this would forever change my life with the rest of my family. My two sons, whom I love dearly, have become more distant and hardly even visit. My grand children of course are all grown now and go about their own lives. One of my son;s doesn't even speak to me anymore. And I don't understand why. My other son only visit's a couple of times a month. And yet, they do not understand the grief that I feel every single day. I am single and live alone. So I have so much time to just think about everything. Remembering that day over and over in my mind and Praying that God will give me the Strength I need to go forward. My daughter was also my best friend. She understood me better than anyone. I get so angry with myself knowing that she would not want me to be this way. But also knowing that her one and only precious Baby Boy would have left her feeling the same way. I Pray everyday for GOD to guide me . I haven't a clue how to pull this family back together. Every Holiday filled these walls with laughter and the gathering of us all. Now, the Holidays are lonely and empty of the laughter and unity there once was. I will continue to Pray that GOD will lead me where I need to be and bring this family back together. Until then, I will continue to talk to my daughter and Memorialize My Memories of her. And I will never let her be forgotten. I will Love my Son's as I always have, as well as my Grandchildren. I Pray for all who have lost their children. And Pray that they can find the Peace that I am still searching for. She will always be young, and She will ALWAY, ALWAYS, BE MY "BABY GIRL".
No comments:
Post a Comment